Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize