my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
