I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
