Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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