last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
