I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
