brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
