We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
