Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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