sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
