if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
