No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
