I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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