u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
