Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
