did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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