Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
foreskin is a definite game changer
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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