I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize