where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
my liver is dry heaving
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
