mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
