Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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