I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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