Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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