I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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