i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
