I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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