i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
