He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
