I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize