I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
