Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
