i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
