Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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