she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
