What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
