Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
