i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
