Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
