did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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