Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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