If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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