Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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