So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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