my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
