I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
