So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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