I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
