Don't make out with my wife yet
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
