Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
