i permit you to call me
tell your sister to shave her snatch
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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