I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
