ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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