we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
