Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
