I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
