The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
