M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
