Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
