I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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