just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
