Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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