if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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