bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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