allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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