Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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