I CAN MOONWALK!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
