Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
