You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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